Angie

My patient that I previous wrote about died on Thursday. The day after we buried my grandfather. I hadn't seen her for a few days. I tried calling up to the hospital, but I couldn't get much information. On Thursday morning my friend Linda called me to tell me that they were going to take her off of life support. So I woke up right away and got dressed as fast as I could and drove to the hospital. I wore my work clothes since I had to work that afternoon. I got there just in time as they were taking the breathing tube out. I think she may have been gone before that. She never took a breath after the tube came out. She died about a minute later. I stayed with her and her family a little while longer. Then I asked the nurse caring for her if I could help wash her up. So a co-worker and I stayed. I wanted to wash her up. My co-worker Sue, I think was staying for my benefit, though I know she cared for her, I think she knew I was having a hard time. Everyone loved Angie. I think helping clean her up was a good way for me to say good-bye. I think also it gave her family a little comfort that someone that deeply cared for her was still taking care of her after she was gone.
Later on after, Sue took me to get some chocolate therapy. We got 2 large hot chocolates and sat outside. It had just stormed.
The storm was a little wierd in itself. Angie loved storms. And as I was walking into the building prior to her passing, it was lightly raining. No storm yet. I got to the 3rd floor and walked in to her room as they were taking the tube out and outside the window you could hear thunder and see lighting. The storm was at it's max. It was pouring down rain and a full blown storm when she passed. A few moments later, there was peace. No storm, no rain. Clouded over, but the storm had stopped. Angie's mom thinks it was her leaving this world. And the way the storm happened at just that moment, I believe it. The rest of the night it stormed. I was at work, but I sat for a bit in an empty room and watched another fierce storm come in. The next day it turned out to be more than some needed. It flooded in my home county of Lake county. Pretty severe too!
I sat in that room and thought of her and something her mom said. Angie's mom told me that maybe Angie and my sister Missy are already friends in heaven. That made me smile. Angie and I talked about my sister during the months that she was in the hospital and I think that she will pass on to my sister a good message from me. I would say that my sister is having a busy week greeting people in heaven. My grandfather and Angie. I'm laughing at myself because I just thought of my patient and friend Marcus that died 2 years ago. I told him before he died that he had to stay away from my sister in heaven , because I knew him and he would hit on her. He always laughed at this. He would tell me that he was going to spend his days looking at beautiful woman in showers. I just thought now that I should've warned Angie about him:) He was great and I miss him at times too. I know all of it sounds a little silly, but it gives me comfort thinking that those I love and had cared for are together in heaven. If they remain the people they were, I know that my sister and Angie would get along great. And I know that Marcus would get along great with them. I know that Missy had my grandfather Chester for a long time with her. So that always gave me a comfort that she wasn't alone. And we all adored him, so I know she was in good hands.

This is how I feel lately

I just thought I would leave the lyrics of song I like.. it's new. It's from Keane. And just lately I have felt this way. It's a great song!


I always thought that I knew
I'd always have the right to
Be living in the kingdom of the good and truth
It's on but now I think how I was wrong
And you were laughing along
And now I look a fool to thinking you were wrong
My sight
Is it any wonder I'm tired
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right
Sometimes
It's hard to know where I stand
It's hard to know where I am
Well maybe it's a puzzle I don't understand
But sometimes
I get the feeling that I'm
Stranded in the wrong time
Where love is just a lyric in a tail-goes-round
It sounds by
Is it any wonder that I'm tired
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right
All these days
After all the misery made
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid
Is it any wonder that I feel betrade
Nothing left inside this old cathedral
Just this sad lonely aspires
Adding you make it right
Oh did you try
Is it any wonder I'm tired
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right
All these days
After all the misery made
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid
Is it any wonder that I feel betrade

My grandfather died today. My sister called and told me an hour ago. I know we had been waiting for this awhile, but it is still hard. I'll miss him. I spent the last hour looking for my favorite pic of him. It is of me and him and I'm hugging him and kissing him on the cheek. I had it in a special place and now I can't find it... I think I"m looking too hard. I"m sure I will find it when I least expect it. I think I may have placed it in my safe a few months back. It's just a fire proof safe were I keep memories.. Old pics of those I love, old letters from Brian and other friends.
I have to look through there next... I feel pretty sad right now and keep crying on and off. I was thinking about after my grandmother died. She died a month after Missy.. I remember crying, but barely. I think that whole time I felt numb from Missy's death. Everytime you loose someone you love, I think it gets harder. Your family gets smaller.
I have to find that picture. It's bothering me.

My Grandfather

As I'm writing this.. I realize that I either have extreme highs in my life or extreme lows right now. For example, the extreme highs would be : our trip to France and Italy, Nicole and Jen's weddings, my niece's 3rd birthday, Brian's ironman and marathons. My extreme lows have been : trying to concieve a baby (though that can be mixed in high and low) and my patient A's condition change. Now I must add my Grandfather to that list. He has kidney cancer. And he decided in Dec 2004 that he would not recieve treatment for it. He told me he lived a full life, had a great wife, great children and great grandchildren. The doctors told him that he only had 3 months at that point. He said he believed he would die on his birthday. The 3 months went by and Grandpa did not die. Around his birthday I was a little nervous. But still he did not pass. He lived on through Christmas that we got to share with him. I got pictures of him and his great grandchildren, my 2 nieces Rachel and Nikya and my nephew Mikey. He has lived longer than the doctors expected. Almost a year and half longer so far. His birthday is coming up on August 5th. So his own prediction might come true. It shouldn't be too much longer now. ANd that brings great sadness to my heart. It brings realization and makes me sad that I don't get along with my father. I have tried. It is more his doing than mine. He is too proud! My father wouldn't go to my wedding because I was inviting black people to my wedding. (He's a racist bastard!)
Anyway, all this makes me sad because I love my grandfather and he is going to be gone soon. He was one of the only reasons this family still stayed together as long as it has. Now that he is gone, I think our whole family will be seperated. I stay close to my cousins Vince and Denise and my aunt Cindy. . We kind of have our own family unit together. I hope we keep that going. I am still close to my Aunt Connie and Uncle Roger. Maybe not super close, but you know what I mean. My Aunt Connie has been caring for my grandfather and is trying to hold our family together. She has worked really hard with the stubborn people in our lives.
Maybe after my grandfather dies, it will bring my own dad around, but I doubt it. My dad gets colder and more harsh as people leave his life. I sent him a father's day card. Nothing too mushy. But something that would let him know I was thinking of him. But I haven't heard from him. I sent one to my grandfather too. I think I'm going to leave for work early tomorrow and see him for a bit. I would like to spend a little more time with him before he goes.

Jen and Greg's wedding

Brian's cousin Jen got married this weekend as well. Actually, she was married already, but they never had the ceremony or reception they wanted to since he had to leave for Iraq. So this was their day. It was great time. Her mother Cathy, carried a red rose that was placed in a chair next to her, in memorial to Jen's father Mike. Mike passed away from ALS, other wise known as Lou Gehrig's Disease. It was a beautiful outdoor ceremony at the Geneva Lodge. She looked beautiful and the bridesmaid's dresses were incredible. Dinner was great as well!

Nicole and Sanjay's wedding

This past weekend Brian and I had 2 weddings to go to. Nicole and Sanjay's wedding was first. I've known Nicole since I was maybe 8. She was one of my sister Missy's closest friends since elementary school. Since Missy has been gone, Nioole and I have stayed in touch!
She looked so beautiful on her wedding day! I am so happy for her. She found herself a great guy! Missy's best friend Jessica, was also in Nicole's wedding (as she was mine!) One pic I have is of Nicole looking up. It was that moment she was so choked up on happiness that she couldn't talk. It was a beautiful ceremony. I loved the traditional Indian dresses the bridesmaids wore. Everything was beautiful! I can't wait to hear about her honeymoon!

Nikya's 3rd birthday

Brian and I got back from France and Italy on Nikya's birthday. July 4th! We were able to attend her birthday party! Which is very important to me! She is my little buddy and I love her to pieces! Here is some pics from her party!

ITALY

We took a flight to Rome 2 days after the Ironman. This is something I wanted to do for so long. #1 because Italy is part of my heritage, but also because Rome has so much history. It is amazing! Some of the worlds greatest thinkers and most talented artists made history there. A lot of our western civilization comes from there. We viewed so many pieces of art. We saw the Vatican, the pope, the oldest church probably in the Christian world. It was great! Again, my only complaint was so incredibly hot. But it was still beautiful. We were there during the World Cup playoffs when Italy played the Ukraine. It was so great. Such as eletricity.. Imagine the Indians back in the world series and think of that all over 1 country!

France

As everyone probably knows by now, Brian and I just returned from France and Italy. Our initial reason for the trip was that Brian entered his first ever Ironman in Nice, France. He did a great job for all that he had to go through. He had to swim 2.4 miles in the beautiful Mediterranean Sea, then he had to bike 112 miles through the gorgeous country side of Southern France. He then had to complete a 26.2 mile run on the beach front area of Nice.
We saw many beautiful things and the people we rented an apartment from were super nice. The only complaint I have is that it was too hot. It was hot in a way it hasn't been here in Cleveland in a while. I actually think we bought the heat back with us. We had to opportunity to spend the night in Paris as well. We took a 3 hour self guided tour of the city! It was so beautiful. I would love to spend more time there some day!
Here are some pics from France.