Sunday, October 30, 2005


Smoosh giving Mommy his puppy dog eyes and Kootie getting a belly rub from Daddy


My friends and husband got to go out for Halloween in downtown Cleveland.
(lucky!!!) I had to work! But I have a pic of them all together. Brian went with a Yoda theme this year, so he is in the mask! We were hoping to take Nikya to Boo at the Zoo this year as well, but it was sold out! (how do you sell out a Zoo?!) Anyway, we went out to eat and Nikya wore her outfit out! She was Tender Heart Bear!
Here she is with Mommy and Aunt Reese!


Our friends got together for the 1st annual B.Y.O. P party. Bascially we got together and carved pumpkins. I"m not an artist, but I actually carved a scary castle in a pumpkin. Brian shaved and sculpted YODA into a pumpkin! It was amazing! Bridget and Steve hosted the party this year. Rachel, Jason, Sean, Frank and I believe Kate was her name, attended the event! My pumpkin is the one castle. Brian's Yoda is not visible due to the fact that it has no wholes! But it is a great piece of art!

Run in Columbus for Leukemia!

As you know I'm a cancer nurse on an adult floor. Leukemia is a terrible disease. LIke I said before maybe I will make a journal of a typical hospital admission and treatment for a patient. Right now I'm quite sad. A young man who is 2 years younger than me took a turn for the worst today. I have never heard of him complaining. He is down in the ICU tonight fighting real hard to stay alive. His mom came up to our floor today and I spent some time listening to her. She cried and I'm not sure why she apologized for crying to me. Out of anyone, I understand. And I think it was her time to break down a bit. I was willing to listen to her. After Missy died I realized that sometimes people just need to vent. I'm sure that she was hoping someone would tell her he would be o.k., but I couldn't tell her that. No one knows that. Only God does. I wanted to do something for her. Most of all, I wish I could take away her pain. I know how hard it is. The patient has fought now for 8 months to get rid of his leukemia and hasn't. He has gone through treatment after treatment. He wanted to keep trying and I can't blame him. He has his life in front of him. I wish I could've given his mom something to throw. Sometimes having something to throw or just yell is a great way to let out frustration. Her own mother just died this year as well while her son struggled to fight this cancer. I think that she understands that she may really lose her son. The worst case scenario may happen.
I have to be realistic and realize he may lose his battle. He has fought so hard and I admire him for his fight. He is a good kid and a talented musician.

My husband got involved in "Team In Training " for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. His little cousin Page was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia this past year. With her disease and her age, she has a good chance of being a survivor. Brian raised $1800 for the cause which was more than he expected. He did such a good job running and worked so hard for this. I'm proud of the people that are involved in this fund raising. We met some really good hearted people through this. He ran in the Columbus Marathon and in the process qualified for the Boston Marathon again. I'm so proud of him for taking up for such a great cause! He ran in honor of Page and in honor of my patients that are fighting so hard and those who lost the fight. Those who lost the fight fought good ones. Amazing ones. I'm proud to know all of my patients and Page. They are amazing people! Here is a pic of Brian at mile 10. He had 16.2 miles left! It is always great to see him run. And I"m grateful for the cause he is running for!
Brian and I after his completions of the Columbus Marathon.

Shirt Brian wore for Marathon

Busy weeks to catch up on!

I have a lot of things that have happened since I got married. I can't really keep up! My friend Jim left to move to the Netherlands for his company. He will be gone a year as far as I know. I've known Jim since I was 15-16. Our history as friends came about because I dated one of his friends in high school. Jim and I always stayed cool despite everything. Jim and I also knew each other from youth group at a local church. We would play volleyball every Tuesday night on the beach in Fairport over the summer. Chad, who I have an equally long history with for the same reasons is still a close friend. I met both through the same ex boyfriend. That guy may not be in my life, but I kept 2 wonderful friends from that relationship!! So something good came of it! The 3 of us stayed close! I love these 2 like brothers! Me and Chad, saying good-bye to Jim! One last pic before he leaves!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Thoughts and memories of my sister

I was just having thoughts about my sister. I miss her so much. For those of you who don't know me, my sister was 17 years old when she died. She was killed in a car accident. Her boyfriend had (has) diabetes, and he blacked out behind the wheel of the car because his sugar was too low. SHe died instantly. Her neck was broke at the c2-c3 vertabre. She was able to donate some of her organs. Sometimes I walk around and wonder if I will ever run into someone that has my sisters eyes. I miss her so much. She was missed on my wedding day. I sometimes think that God left me Brian as an exchange for my sister. I knew him before hand, but from a distance. I knew of him. He was friends with my friends Chad and Nicole, But it wasn't until after she died on Sept 24th, 1997, that he and I became closest friends and fell in love. We have been together ever since. Not that giving me Brian in her place could ever make up for her being gone, but he has helped me deal in a positive way with her being gone. We got married on September 24th in honor of her memory, her death bought us together. Brian even asked to marry him on the anniversary weekend of her death last year (Sept 26th 2004) to honor her.
It's just so hard sometimes. I know there are people out there who can understand this. I know there are people who lost loved ones. As a nurse I watch it all the time. But my patients and families have time to come to terms that their loved one is going to leave them sooner than expected. Missy was taken from me in an instant. There was no real good bye. One where she got to say good bye. No last minute of lucidity. No slight squeeze of her hand. Just sitting there, watching the machine breathe for her through a tube that was anchored down in her mouth. Sat there watching as the morphine dripped in and her heart rate on the monitor get more and more slow, till finally it was nothing. While waiting for her heart to not beat anymore, I held her hand which wasnt' really even warm anymore. I silently prayed to God that he would forgive her of any last sins and take her right to heaven. The only warmth from her body was because of a warming blanket. The blanket was trying to keep her warm to save the organs so they could be used. But because she was already too cold, they couldn't use some of them. I would like to think that someone's heart works better because of my sisters donation. I still have some of her hair which I got from her brush in her room. A few of her belongings as well. If I knew the funeral director was going to cut the blood from her hair instead of wash it out, I would've asked him for some. But I didn't know till I saw her. And her casket couldn't be opened becasue of how the accident had left the state of her body and her face. It didn't even look like her. So we closed it, not to let her friends endure the pain of seeing her not even look like herself. We left a picture of her on a table next to the casket.
She was one of my best friends. Someone I know would always be on my side.
The night before she died she and I were in the kitchen with my friend Nicole. Missy was trying to convice me to get cigarettes for her. But I refused. At the time my grandmother was dying of lung cancer. I told my sister that she shouldn't smoke. I told her I didn't want her getting lung cancer like everyone else in our family. I told her that one day we are going to be old and sitting in rocking chairs on a porch watching our children play together. And that we were going to live next to one another and grow old together. She jumped up on me and hugged me tightly and yelled, " You DO LOVE ME!!" And kissed my cheek and wouldn't let me go. I'm really glad that I got to tell her that.
At least she knew how much I loved her. The last time I saw her, she was standing on our back porch petting her brand new kitten Feebee. I gave her 5 and told her i loved her and left. That was the last time I saw her really alive. I will always remember that. She had her hair braided on either side and was just so cute. I don't remember though what she was wearing. It was 8 years ago. The week she died seemed like 1 long un-ending day. I didn't sleep. Friends kept coming by at all hours of the day and night. Sitting up with me. Helping me plan the funeral. Sharing stories of Missy with me. Or sharing silence and tears. I can almost remember everything, but it seems like I was seeing things through these fuzzy glasses that week. The center of the pictures were clear, but there was just a fuzzy circle around them. Like tunnel vision maybe. People don't understand how I planned her funeral and was able to speak at her funeral. But I found my strength in love. Pure love for my sister. Sisters are differen than brothers. They are closer and have this special bond that can't be described. My sisters and I have that. No matter how mad we get at one another. We love each other more than anything. I miss you Missy

My husband and I.

This is my husband Brian and I in front of Squire's Castle. It really isn't a castle. The property used to be owned by a man. The castle behind us was really just the front gate to the house that was going to be built. But the house never got built. The man's wife died and he never built the house. He then sold his land with the gate to the metroparks. It has become a park that I grew up going to all the time. I love that park! I had wanted to originally get married here, but they said it was a first come, first serve basis. We couldn't set up any chairs or anything. So we took pics here.

Mom, Christy and Nikya. My girls!

My mom and sister kissing me! My niece who I adore looking so cute!!

sitting at home, BORED

I will say it is funny being married. I don't feel so different as a person. Remember the movie with Will Ferrell in it. What is the name of it? I own it and have watched it a hundred times at least:) . Well anyway, he was recently married and they were at a couselor after she caught him running down the street naked. At the session he made a statement refering to getting married, he said, " I don't feel any different. I'm suppose to be this whole different guy, but I don't feel any different." That is kind of how I feel. Except it is different only because I have to get use to my new last name. I have to really get use to my choices having an effect on other peoples lives. I will probably feel different when I become a mother too.. I stare at my rings all the time thinking about what they mean and represent. It's a cool feeling but scary to realize that we don't live forever. So I hope I make the most of my life! I've known too much loss in my life of people l love, or watching those I care for lose someone they love. Whether it is a friend or an old boyfriend losing a parent or fiance, friends losing other friends, or patients losing their family members. The line of nursing I'm in, you develope bonds with patients. And they leave something behind in you. Something that will help make you a better person. It makes me appreciate life more and those I love and care for.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Lets see if I can do this.. From left to right, Jeremy, Maggie, Keith, kneeling is Chad. Behind Keith is Sam, Rober, then David, Chad, Me and Brian, then Christy, Cindy, Jessica, kneeling is ALessa, behind Jessica is Tracy, behind Tracy is Michelle and then Destiny. Our wedding party!

Our dogs

Wedding pictures

Maggie, Little Page, Jessica, Tracy, Cindy, Me, Christy, Michelle, Destiny and Alessa at Squire's Castle in Willoughy OH.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Me and Brian. Last day in Hawaii with a great sunset Posted by Picasa

We're home from Hawaii

Brian and I recently got home from our honeymoon in Hawaii. We got married on Sept.24th. I could not have asked for a better day for the wedding. It was beautiful outside! Not too hot. Not too cold. We knew it would be a beautiful day though. Everyday from the year my sister died, Sept. 24th has always been one of the most beautiful days of the year. Every year for 8 years, the weather has been perfect. That is why we took the chance it would be there same way that day. And it couldn't have been a more perfect day. We were surrounded by family and friends that really love us. It was just amazing to see people haveing such a great time.
It was amazing to have my friends Michelle, Cindy and Laura, who came from North Carolina to be with me. And Alessa who came from Pittsburgh to be with us. Not to mention my family Lisa, George and Rosie, who came from Chicago Heights and Richie and Aunty Thelma who came from Hobart, IN. And my Uncle Jerry and Aunt Lorraine, Julie, Tony, Amy and Ryan, who all flew in from Miami. My uncle walked me down the aisle and it meant a great deal to me. He made me laugh and I needed it because I was so nervous. It's amazing to have people like that in your life.
My niece Nikya was so cute in the wedding as was Brian's cousin Page and my little cousin, Cody!
The cake was excellent and the food was great. The DJ's were the best. I had the best photographers! It was a true celebration. And we had a real reason to celebrate. I waited 8 years for Brian to marry me! But it was all worth the wait! Now I get to lay next to my best friend every night and grow old with him.
Hawaii was amazing. It was so beautiful there. We swam with dolphins, went to a luau, took a WWII tour which was incredible! Went horseback riding, kayaking and on a dinner cruise. Everything was great! We had the best time! An amazing 10 days of laying on the beach and hanging out doing new things together.
We got home and Brian had to go to work the following Monday. I didn't though. I had another week off. I'm busy making thank you cards. I'm stamping for the first time. They aren't great, but I think people will like them. They are taking longer than I thought they would. I have one more task left after I finish them and that is to find envolopes to place them in.

Brian and I were in columbus this past weekend. He ran the Columbus Marathon for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in honor of his cousin Page. He also put on his shirt, "In honor of the patients on Tower 6" (That is where I work) I'm a cancer nurse. And the things our patients go through is horrible. I dont think I would wish that on my worst enemy. I take care of patients who are getting bone marrow transplants. Technically, they are stem cell transplants. I have seen them do umbilical cord blood transplants as well. One day I will go through a hypothetical admission for a leukemic patient. It would really open your eyes to how terrible a disease leukemia and lymphoma are. The medicine is amazing when you see someone do well. And you curse it when you realize that a patient is no longer dying of cancer, but from their treatments. I was so proud of him and his friends for running and volunteering for such a great cause.

Our pictures our great and I can't wait to share them with you!
Thanks everyone for everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!