Monday, October 24, 2005
Thoughts and memories of my sister
I was just having thoughts about my sister. I miss her so much. For those of you who don't know me, my sister was 17 years old when she died. She was killed in a car accident. Her boyfriend had (has) diabetes, and he blacked out behind the wheel of the car because his sugar was too low. SHe died instantly. Her neck was broke at the c2-c3 vertabre. She was able to donate some of her organs. Sometimes I walk around and wonder if I will ever run into someone that has my sisters eyes. I miss her so much. She was missed on my wedding day. I sometimes think that God left me Brian as an exchange for my sister. I knew him before hand, but from a distance. I knew of him. He was friends with my friends Chad and Nicole, But it wasn't until after she died on Sept 24th, 1997, that he and I became closest friends and fell in love. We have been together ever since. Not that giving me Brian in her place could ever make up for her being gone, but he has helped me deal in a positive way with her being gone. We got married on September 24th in honor of her memory, her death bought us together. Brian even asked to marry him on the anniversary weekend of her death last year (Sept 26th 2004) to honor her.
It's just so hard sometimes. I know there are people out there who can understand this. I know there are people who lost loved ones. As a nurse I watch it all the time. But my patients and families have time to come to terms that their loved one is going to leave them sooner than expected. Missy was taken from me in an instant. There was no real good bye. One where she got to say good bye. No last minute of lucidity. No slight squeeze of her hand. Just sitting there, watching the machine breathe for her through a tube that was anchored down in her mouth. Sat there watching as the morphine dripped in and her heart rate on the monitor get more and more slow, till finally it was nothing. While waiting for her heart to not beat anymore, I held her hand which wasnt' really even warm anymore. I silently prayed to God that he would forgive her of any last sins and take her right to heaven. The only warmth from her body was because of a warming blanket. The blanket was trying to keep her warm to save the organs so they could be used. But because she was already too cold, they couldn't use some of them. I would like to think that someone's heart works better because of my sisters donation. I still have some of her hair which I got from her brush in her room. A few of her belongings as well. If I knew the funeral director was going to cut the blood from her hair instead of wash it out, I would've asked him for some. But I didn't know till I saw her. And her casket couldn't be opened becasue of how the accident had left the state of her body and her face. It didn't even look like her. So we closed it, not to let her friends endure the pain of seeing her not even look like herself. We left a picture of her on a table next to the casket.
She was one of my best friends. Someone I know would always be on my side.
The night before she died she and I were in the kitchen with my friend Nicole. Missy was trying to convice me to get cigarettes for her. But I refused. At the time my grandmother was dying of lung cancer. I told my sister that she shouldn't smoke. I told her I didn't want her getting lung cancer like everyone else in our family. I told her that one day we are going to be old and sitting in rocking chairs on a porch watching our children play together. And that we were going to live next to one another and grow old together. She jumped up on me and hugged me tightly and yelled, " You DO LOVE ME!!" And kissed my cheek and wouldn't let me go. I'm really glad that I got to tell her that.
At least she knew how much I loved her. The last time I saw her, she was standing on our back porch petting her brand new kitten Feebee. I gave her 5 and told her i loved her and left. That was the last time I saw her really alive. I will always remember that. She had her hair braided on either side and was just so cute. I don't remember though what she was wearing. It was 8 years ago. The week she died seemed like 1 long un-ending day. I didn't sleep. Friends kept coming by at all hours of the day and night. Sitting up with me. Helping me plan the funeral. Sharing stories of Missy with me. Or sharing silence and tears. I can almost remember everything, but it seems like I was seeing things through these fuzzy glasses that week. The center of the pictures were clear, but there was just a fuzzy circle around them. Like tunnel vision maybe. People don't understand how I planned her funeral and was able to speak at her funeral. But I found my strength in love. Pure love for my sister. Sisters are differen than brothers. They are closer and have this special bond that can't be described. My sisters and I have that. No matter how mad we get at one another. We love each other more than anything. I miss you Missy