So tired

So last night I saw the Goo Goo Dolls and the Counting Crows. .. They were so wonderful. Both bands. I just love them! Johnny and Adam (next to Dave, Chris and Nick) have the best voices! (which is probably why I have 5 favorite bands!) I can totally loose myself in music.. But as soon as I lost myself, the next day I was bought back to reality.

I got to work to find out my long time primary patient was in the unit. I was her primary nurse. You see a primary nurse means that everytime you are in the hospital, every day that that nurse works, she will care for you.
So I was A.'s primary.
I remember the first day I met her. She was 26 years old. It was 2 years ago this summer. I met her on her first day at the hospital. You see, she was at work and tried making an appointment with her doctor. But it was going to take a month before she could get an appointment. The eye doctor she worked for decided that since it would be so long and she has felt so bad for awhile, he would draw blood and send it on her. That night her employer got the call that her white blood cell count was in the hundreds.. (that is bad and indicates leukemia.)
She got admitted right to our hospital the next day... She got to work and he told her to go to the our hospital. Her whole world was turned around.
For the next 6 weeks she recieved chemo and stayed in the hospital until her immune system came back. When it did, she went home... for a bit. Then was admitted for an auto transplant. It is a transplant in which they give you your own cells back after you have had intense chemo. So again for 6-8 weeks I was with her everyday while she was in the hosptial. She was in remission for almost a year when she found out this past November that her leukemia was back. She would have to get more chemo and another transplant. Her problem was that she only had half siblings and none of them really matched her. So she got an umblical cord transplant.. But she had to endure a few weeks of chemo. Then she came back for her transplant. Just a few days before New Years. She recieved her transplant, but it didn't take.. and her immune system didn't come back. So after 6 weeks, they gave her a second transplant. With another umbilical cord transplant. *side note* Umblilical cord blood that is left in the cord after a baby is born are stems cells. So we take those unused baby cells and try to use them for transplants. Anyway, the second one didn't take. She still had no immune system. It was going on 12 weeks in the hospital. The same room and everything. The same floor.. she wasn't allowed to leave our floor in fear that she would get an infection. We found out that the reason her transplant wasn't taking was because of a certain virus that she had... So the medical team treated the virus... and she went home with no immune system as the doctors talked of another transplant. They tested her siblings anyway at this time to see if they were a match. Her brother was only a 50% match. They wanted to use him, but because he was 8 and some other BS.. the FDA refused the transplant. So her mother, who was 50% donated her cells. During the time A. was waiting to find out about her next transplant, her counts didn't recover and she got an infection. She was in the hosptial another month. She went home for 2 weeks and came back for her transplant from her mother. Usually she would've had to stay 6 weeks till her counts went up, but the docs let her go home. She came back with another infection a few weeks ago and was in for 3 weeks. She went home about a week or more ago... She was told her mothers transplant didn't take and that she had no hope. Yesterday she was admitted to our ICU... And today they intubated her. I want to believe in miracles, but I know they don't happen. She is going to more than likely die from this infection. I was in there today before they put the tube in. I bought her the rosary I got her from the vatican, hoping it would bring her some holy influence. Some miracle. I sat with her mom when the docs told her that she was going to need to be intubated. They also warned her mother that she may never be able to come off the vent. They went forth with it anyway. I came back to the ICU to be with her after my shift ended. It was horrible. I couldn't help it. I started to cry.. and have been crying ever since, except for our football game. I went through so much with her day in and day out. She is a total fighter. I've been so proud of how much she has gone through and struggled with. It breaks my heart to see her this way. God has to give us this miracle and let her immune system come back... Even thought it may come back. I don't think it will help. She is going to pass. I tried not to get attached to her. But she was just like my patient and friend Marcus. I was with him as his nurse for 2 years. He passed almost 2 years ago. I feel him with me a lot. For some reason I feel him in my car when i'm driving. Another patient that was friends of A's passed on. He was a great guy and I hope he is there for her when it is time for her to go. I just hate having to see her suffer and still know what is going on. She is so brave and I feel a great deal of sadness.. almost like I'm losing a family member. Please pray for her... hoping that she will make it through.